Thursday, October 30, 2008

Joe the Voter

We are a mere 5 days from a critical election and an important juncture in American history. To use a favored expression from the campaign cycle, this one's a "game changer" and the direction our country decides to go in, I believe, will permanently effect America's place in the ROW (rest of the world).

A message to our readers: VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because if you don't, these people will:

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Closing Statements

J-tron is getting desperate. There are 6 days left until election day and all the polls say J is going to lose,  so what's there left to do except grab at tenuous arguments that inspire exactly 7 people in South Philadelphia and 4 people in Tampa. 

Confused? Let me explain: Tonight Obama is airing a 30-minute "closing argument" on most major networks. 

Annnnd the rebuttal if you will...

“No one will delay the World Series with an infomercial when I’m president,” [McCain] said, in Hershey, Pa.

Ah yes, how could Obama not foresee such a zinger coming his way? After all, teams from two swing states are competing for the pennant and what could be more anti-American than delaying a baseball game?

Stupid muslim, terrorist, black guy shitting on our apple pies and delaying a baseball game just so he can become president. The audacity of hope sure is audacious. 

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Go Ahead, Make Her Day

"If you honestly think someone with extremely limited experience will solve the severe problems we have in this country then, by all means, vote for Senator Obama. If you want to give complete control of our government to the Democrats who have made a real mess of things over the last two years they've controlled Congress, then go ahead and vote for Senator Obama. And, if you really believe that our taxes should be higher and that government should have a bigger role in our lives, vote for Senator Obama"

We thank Meghan McCain for her

She goes on to say that regardless of your race, gender, socioeconomic status (i know, its a pretty big word, but she did go to Columbia. bitch), and sexual orientation that John McCain will be there for you.

I'm sorry, I'd like her to explain how John McCain is going to "be there" for homosexuals whose inalienable right to get married in California is the subject of a
ballot initiative that seeks to draw in Republican AND McCain voters.

And while she's at it, how John McCain is going to "be there" for women when he appoints Supreme Court justices that would curtail reproductive independence.

No matter, she'll be off
the trail soon. And its a good thing too, because its not good for your hair to dye it that often.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Finally, We Can Find Out if We're Money


Swingers! Not by watching the movie, but by reading Slate's featured column on all things that swing; from a backyard set to the state of Colorado.

Ever wonder to yourself, "Gosh, I'm not sure I matter that much" (in this election, not in like the scope of history, although....), well at Slate they feel your pain and constructed an interactive guide that factors in your age, race, sex, and education to well....find out if you matter.

My swing rating? 2 out of 100. My worst fears have been confirmed, I'm about as inconsequential as you can get.

Cindybot Thinks Wants Us To Think She's Just Like Us

Remeber that scene in Witches when Anjelica Huston and co. peel off their faces and reveal their witchy dispositions? Now picture Cindy on the eve of election day.

McCain Gets Schooled by Ghost of TR

My U.S. History teacher in high school loved TR. She also loved Bill Clinton ("When you were in a room with him, you felt like you were the only one he was looking at", she was fond of reminiscing and we were fond of cringing at).

But mostly she loved Theodore Roosevelt: founder of National Parks, the bully pulpit, teddy bears, and national food safety laws among other things... (legend has it that while in Cuba during the Spanish-American War of 1899 he came across some gnarly canned meat and all it took was Upton Sinclair to close the deal).

Many labels have become attached to this great presidential legend: maverick, reformer, progressive...hmm sound familiar?

Well, there's one label McCain can't claim he shares with TR anymore. In a recent posthumous interview on what would have been his 150th birthday, TR confessed,

"Q. One last question, Colonel. If you were campaigning now, would you still call yourself a Republican?

(after a long pause) No."

Friday, October 24, 2008

Top 10 Robot Weaknesses

Robots are tough.

I mean, they're made of metal, they aren't slowed down by pesky questions of morality or ethics, and they are definitely resilient. This is what makes them such formidable political opponents.

But the robot is not without its weaknesses, and due to J-tron's campaign we can now finally identify in broad scope, what they are. As one of the many public services JMCR has provided our audience in the last 6 months, we are adding a Top 10 list of effective ways to take down a robot, should the need ever arise (who knows what could happen? The 21st century is a world of endless possibility).

#1: An Awesome E-ffing Opponent
A sure-fire way to take down a robot? That's simple, Be Like Barack. Nothing much one can do about their heritage at this point (trust me, if I could figure out a way to be half black, I would have done it years ago), but what you can do is try to be totally awesome and try to have a fair, intelligent fight (a nice layup never hurt anyone either). In this arena, the robot is no match.#2: Robots make really dumb choices.
The robot is not known for its good judgement. Anyone a Futurama fan? No, well below is all the evidence you need. JMCR suggests using this flawed judgement to your greatest advantage by letting the robot self-destruct on its own.
#3: This may come as a surprise to some, but robots generally have a hard time with human relationships, like marriage for example.
Being the wife of a robot is a hard life. Physical and emotional distance compounded by readily available funds for drugs and a harsh media spotlight that encourages concentration camp chic make for one weird robot spouse. How does this fact help defeat a robot? Just think of the scandals!#4: It is a common misconception that robots are immortal.
In fact, quite the opposite is true, and there is nothing more dangerous than an elderly, cantankerous robot who doesn't know he's past his prime. An effective tool here would be to constantly photograph the robot in unflattering light so as to constantly remind him (and everyone else) just how old he really is.
#5: Robots hate economics.
It's a known fact. They're not that well-versed on the subject and it's hardly an area where mavericky risk taking is valued. Use the forces of supply and demand for good instead of evil, a simple chart should do the trick.
#6: Robots need energy.
And not just any kind of energy, they need oil and lots of it, no matter the cost. Too bad for them the world is running out, it's contributing to a massive environmental crisis who's far reaching effects touch on agriculture, disease, and population densities, and we don't have any of it. If the robot doesn't adapt soon, it will die out. Tear....

#7: Cities
Cities are full of godless folk. Fancy lettuce-eating-liberals who wouldn't know an honest days work if it bit them on their privileged urban asses. The good news? Cities and robots are like oil and water. You wanna take down a robot? Lure and trap one into a big city and watch as socially-responsible, eco-friendly, pseudo-hippies listening to GirlTalk trample it in an oblivion of neon and spandex. The revolution will be pod-casted.#8: Hurricanes
Hello? Robots can't get wet, it fries their circuit systems. Not only does this make hygiene difficult, but it can severely hamper disaster relief efforts. No robot is a match for Katrina, or even Gustav for that matter.#9: Morgan Freeman
No robot can possibly contend with the single most presidential/god-like man we've ever seen on the big screen. The idea of a black president started here, with the original and the master. Robots, you best run.
#10: George W. Bush. The one and only. The ultimate kryptonite.
Robots and retards, star-crossed partners, whose actions are always more destructive together than they are apart. So what's the most effective way to best a robot in a duel? First, channel your inner Aaron Burr and drop some Hamiltons (robots love money), then allow him to partner with the mentally-challenged and he won't be able to resist.
I hope this guide proves useful in all manner of robot attacks. Good luck.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Main Street: The Neiman Marcus Is Coming Soon

You might have heard that this election has become about "culture wars".

Its main streeters vs. wall street, real America vs. fake America, clingy religious NRA members vs. arugula-loving city folk. Turns out it doesn't matter much which street you come from, girls will be girls, and girls like to shop.

The Republican National Commitee has doled out an estimated $150,000 on Sarah's new wardrobe. $150 grand at Walmart, how did they manage to do that!?!. Ah, and there's the rub.

That kind of money (you know, like $100,000 more than your average teacher makes), was spent at such high falutin' stores like Saks Fifth Avenue, Neiman Marcus, Barney's New York, and, of course who could forget Bloomies. Turns out New York City is good for something....

Those boots were made for walking....all over the advances women have managed to acheive in the last 50 years. They are fabulous though...

J-tron Uses the C-word, Again.

A video is worth a thousand words

Will somebody please let this man take a nap?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Coming Clean

J-tron has a silly new feature on his website where you too can aspire to be a plumber. I thought I'd take the opportunity to make a rally sign of my own.

This is way better than the Insta-Terrorist feature on Obama's site, where you can either associate with a shady character from your past or make Hussein your middle name. 

Excuse me, I ordered the Kosher meal

David Sedaris offers this analogy to help us understand undecided voters:

"I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. 'Can I interest you in the chicken?' she asks. 'Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?' To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked."

Real v. Fake

One of us works in "fake Virginia" and we both live in  "anti-America" parts of the country according to j-tron's senior advisor Nancy Pfotenhauer and Palin-drone, respectively. 

This all coming from a campaign that doesn't even have a human being at the helm. How can we be qualified as fake and anti-American when the campaign isn't even pro-human?

Discuss amongst yourselves. 

Friday, October 17, 2008

The Immaculate Collection

Gawker did everyone a solid and made this definitive John McCain crazy-face gallery:
Thank you. You're welcome.

It's Just Too Easy

More news out of Philadelphia today:

Residents in Delaware County are reporting receiving robo calls at home that accuse Democrat Barack Obama of "working closely" with "domestic terrorist" Bill Ayers, "whose organization bombed the Capitol, judges homes, and killed Americans." The message goes on to say that Obama's relationship with Ayers, now a professor of education with whom the senator served on a charitable board, proves that Obama does not have the judgment to be president.

The male voice reading the script identifies the call as paid for by the McCain-Palin campaign.

"It was very disturbing," said a Havertown woman who received the call, who did not want to give her name for fear of retaliation. "You listed to it and you get the impression that Obama himself is a terrorist," she said. "It should not be this way." The recipient described herself as a registered independent who supports Obama.
It looks like J-tron has a whole army of robots working for him. At least the campaign is no longer hiding their true colors.

Here's what the situation on the ground looks like in Pennsylvania.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


Last night at the debate viewing party I attended, one Cameron M. Todd, without provocation from JMCR representatives, took the liberty of sketching a ROBOT-O-JOHN.

He graciously agreed to let his original artwork be featured, and we thank him for his contribution.

The Letter S: Part II

I think we can safely say we've detected one of the major flaws of J-tron's engineering. In all respects, he is certainly a marvelous creation. I mean, a fully functional robot running for president, it is truly an accomplishment (and who says the United States is falling behind in math and science?).

Sure, he can't lift his arms or speak in clear and fluid language, but still.... impressive nonetheless. However, he continues to struggle with this nasty little letter in the alphabet. The letter S. As in Sunni, Shi'ite, Sudan, Somalia, and Shit Storm (like the state of his campaign).

Last night in the debate J-tron met his match again in his arch nemesis. Special needs. While the term does refer to a host of mental and development disorders, he went on to conflate Autism and Down's Syndrome, apparently not being able to recognize that they are actually two very different disorders.

Was it a senior slip (again with those S's...)? Does he not know the difference? Or worse, was he just blatantly lying about the qualifications of his bimbo running mate to make it seem like he hadn't put country, um 87th sounds about right?

Simply surrpassed by the sweet sounds signalling Change, McCain and his soldiers surreptitiously slither Southward. Sayonara suckers.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Floss more, lie less?

They're called Crest White strips, they're not expensive.

And while he's at it, he should probably R-E-A-D-A-B-O-O-K about the economy.

"Mr. McCain stands by his vow to extend the Bush tax cuts and to layer on several more, including a big reduction in corporate income taxes. And he still insists he would balance the budget by the end of his first term in 2013, though few analysts, if any, believe that is possible."

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

His Inner Circle

One of J-tron's own tries to revive him.

Even the robots think McCain is out of touch. 

Obama Wins!

...with students in grades 1-12.

Obama snagged 57% of the Scholastic Presidential Poll, while rusty robot was left with 39% of the vote after write-ins for Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers were counted. 

I thought kids liked robots? 

Damn elitists who go to school and know how to read and write, voting for a guy who doesn't remind them of the grandpa that sends them $10 on their birthdays and yells at the remote.

The poll has been accurate all but twice since 1940, and there is no Supreme Scholastic Court to overturn voting results just in case one of the schools has a voter disenfranchisement problem or those pesky 4th graders don't know how to use the ballot box.  

Kunta Kinte!

This little blurb in Politico does a nice job of juxtaposing the two conflicting ideologies constantly at war inside that old clap trap of a circuit system McCain likes to pretend is a brain.

"After I whip his you-know-what in this debate, we're going to be going out" and hitting the campaign trail, McCain said. But, wanting to temper the anti-Obama rhetoric that has flared up from Republicans at his recent campaign events, McCain in the same brief talk also reiterated his intention to not hit Obama below the belt.

"I wanna emphasize again, I respect Senator Obama," McCain said. "We will conduct a respectful race, and we will make sure that everybody else does, too."

Did McCain just say he was going to whip a black man and in the same breath claim that he respects him? It's just a tad reminiscent of the complex slave and master relationship that prolonged the institution of slavery and afterward, inequality in the South. The argument went that because white men respected their slaves and took care of them, slavery itself was not wrong. To the contrary, they believed that the institution actually helped their captives.

This flawed and morally corrupt logic has long since been debunked, however there are elements that occasionally still creep into modern events and McCain's rhetorical glich, whether accidental or intentional, is no exception.

McCain can whip Obama all he wants, but my guess is he'll just keep on yelling "Kunta Kinte!" right back at him.

*I hope when the Obamas move up into that big plantation house, they get a whole mess of white servants to order around.

A big JMCR shoutout goes to George for alerting us to this news item. Keep 'em coming!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Home Sweet Home

Sarah Palin and I have something in common. We are both unapologetic about the things we love.

I am a Philadelphian who fucking loves Philadelphia. 

That's how we do.

Friday, October 10, 2008


JMCR just got its hands on some exclusive photos of C-3PO B.W. (Before the Work). A big JMCR shoutout to loyal reader Elise (and her work colleague Brandon)! Keep on sending those tips...

Cindy B.W:

And Cindy A.W. (in the year of our plastic surgeon):

Not a total Betty, but a vast improvement.

J-Tron: Carefree Baby Killer?

The US Agency for International Development under the stewardship of President Bush and with the support of the robot-that-would-be-president continued their policy of cutting off funds for birth control, condoms, and IUDs for the world's poorest women in Africa.

Huurah!, a victory for pro-lifers everywhere. I'm sure they can rejoice in the estimated 157,000 additional unwanted pregnancies per year, leading to 62,000 additional abortions and 660 women dying in childbirth. Someone start blowing up balloons.

So what does J-tron have to say about it? When questioned last spring about whether or not the US should fund contraceptives to help combat AIDS in Africa he stumbled, "I haven’t thought about it,” and later added, “You’ve stumped me.”

Hopefully someday all women will get charged for their rape kits after they've been attacked, until then we'll just have to make due with abstinence-only education, a rising teen pregnancy (and STD rate) in the US, and contributing to the deaths of thousands of African women and children.

Good work everybody.

Droopy Dog and Robot Embrace

In the locker room before the big game. A love that dare not speak its name, BI-partisanship.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Last Time I Studied Economics Was in High School

Are you one of those Americans concerned about the economy but only has a slight grasp of what's going down (other than the stock market) and isn't sure which candidate has a better economic plan? I am. 

Well here's what real-live economists think, brought to you by the most economisty economical magazine there is, The Economist

Looks like "that one" wins. 

That (Old) One!

One of the oddest moments in the debate last night was when McCain referred to Obama as "that one".

It was jarring to hear, and easy to assume he meant "that (black) one".

In a campaign characterized by a secret racial code, "even Jesse Jackson won South Carolina"-Bill Clinton or "he's not a real American"-Sarah Palin, its easy to jump to a racially charged conclusion.

I'm not sure I actually believe that McCain meant to call Obama "that little n*****" on a national stage, so what is the alternative explanation for this awkward rhetorical moment? Again, it comes back to his age. It is possible, that that was just a really old person thing to say.

And man, did he look old. And short and shriveled and slightly crazed (like when he would get up to meander while Obama spoke, was he walking around in circles? where was he going?)

McCain's age (and robotness, let's not forget) is often dismissed by the pundit class as not being an actual serious detractor. All evidence points to the contrary. He confused Sunni and Shi'ite muslims, he confused Somalia and Sudan, and now he's walking around the stage of the debate like a patient in a nursing home.

I might be young and insensitive, but he also might be just too freaking old to be the president.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


There has been a chorus of "Why her"? Why not Kay Bailey Hutchinson, or Elizabeth Dole, or Condaleeza Rice or Olympia Snowe?

The women I have just named are all Republican, conservative, experienced, and reasonably intelligent (I mean, they are Republicans, I can only take this so far...). So why not them?

Because we live in a sexist and cruel world. And because Olympia Snowe looks like this:

Sarah Palin is qualified in that she is pretty and unintelligent and ultimately not threatening to the idiot male base of the Republican party. She is obviously a supremely ambitious woman, so where are the ball-breaking, gird your loins jokes?

Conspicuoulsy absent, if you ask me.

Unflattering Angles

No, it's not only the photo. 

Palin-drone is busy winning over voters in Clearwater, FL, the worldwide spiritual capital of Scientology:
"I was reading my copy of the New York Times the other day," she said.

"Booooo!" replied the crowd.
The first erroneous claim that Palin makes is that she reads the New York Times. 

Next, Palin goes on: 
"Now it turns out, one [Obama's] earliest supporters is a man named Bill Ayers," Palin said.

"Booooo!" said the crowd.

"And, according to the New York Times, he was a domestic terrorist and part of a group that, quote 'launched a campaign of bombing that would target the Pentagon and our U.S. Capitol,'" she continued.

"Booooo!" the crowd repeated.

"Kill him!" proposed one man in the audience
Bill Ayers is currently a Distinguished Professor of Education at the University of Illinois at Chicago, College of Education. Boooo education! 

He was once a radical protestor against the war in Vietman and did bomb the Pentagon and the U.S. Capitol. He did cause a water leak at the Pentagon and later turned himself into the police. Barack Obama was 10 years old at the time. Boooo water leaks! Booooo ten-year-olds!

Ayers and Obama worked together for education reform and served on a community anti-poverty group together. Obama has condemned Ayers' violent actions. Boooo education reform, anti-poverty, and condemnation of violence! 

A group of McCain-Palin supporters condoning violence towards a remorseful professor and/or Barack Obama. Booooo!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Something for the Kids

Its like Hitler Youth or child soldiers in Africa.... they never had a chance

Something for the Kids

Who doesn't love the adorable Garbage Pail Kids ?

And don't forget, Halloween is just around the corner...

Sarah Palin v. America's Decline

1. We just lost 160,000 jobs in September.
2. The credit markets are completely frozen
3. The day before the debate, General McKiernan, (of the popular McClellen pronounciation), the commander of NATO forces in Afghanistan, made an urgent appeal for more troops and equipment.

and (my personal favorite calamity)

4. "The election’s outcome is likely to have an enormous impact on questions like the right to abortion, the wall between church and state, and the power of the president to detain Americans. Since several justices could depart in the next four years, this could be the most important election for the court in many decades."

Bob Herbert asks in puzzled amazement, " Where is the evidence that Governor Palin even understands these complex and enormously challenging problems?"

It's best to not think of CNN's Sanjay Gupta announcing that the medical records the McCain campaign allowed journalists to review in a closed room for three hours (no copies, no pictures, they were allowed to take notes and I guess use their amazing powers of photographic memory) were probably nowhere near complete (they would have no way of knowing).

People, the emperor has no clothes. Or rather, he has had several bouts of skin cancer, a stroke, and physical, emotional, and mental damage from his internment.

I keep waiting for J-tron to JK us. "Oh my god guys, I was totally just fucking with you. It's really Mitt"

Friday, October 3, 2008

Shore Up September

If you’re at work today — and screwing around on the Internet, as usual — then good for you! This means you aren’t one of the 159,000 people who lost their jobs last month. The number is “unexpectedly large,” and the monthly job-loss rate is the biggest seen for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS.

If you're not at work today-and still screwing around on the Internet, looking for job, as usual- then vote for Obama! Not because you'll get a job on November 5th, but because, well, anything is better than this....

Even if you do have a six-pack (or drink six packs), and your first name happens to be Joe, I promise you that Sarah Palin and John McCain will not be "shoring up this economy" (what does that even mean?!?!) anytime soon.

Thursday, October 2, 2008


For many of you out there, Sarah Palin is the scariest thing that has happened to this country since Bush did not get elected in 2000 and became president anyway.

The present is immaterial, its all about the future. The only thing the present is good for is setting precedents. And in Sarah Palin's case, the precedent that is being set is that you don't have to be smart, capable, learned, know about our country's history, or be able to speak extemporaneously in complete sentences to be the president of the most (well, we used to be anyways...) powerful country in the world.

There is another precedent that's even more alarming for about 50% of you out there. The XX Factor, Slate's running commentary on all things concerning our favorite pair of chromosomes, had done a great job of detailing the myriad of ways Palin's deeply flawed candidacy has/will effect women (particularly powerful women) in the future.

Emily Bazelon, my favorite and not just cause of her name, sums it up like this:

"The fear now is that Palin is the anti-Hillary and that her lack of competence threatens to undo what the Democratic primary did for women. Palin won't bust through the ceiling that has Hillary's 18 million cracks in it. She'll give men an excuse to replace it with a new one."

By the way, just in case you were curious what the chances that Palin would become the president should McCain um, drop dead because he's so fucking old that sometimes I can't even beleive he's actually a candidate for president.... Its about 16%*.

*and that percentage goes up every year McCain gets older


Sarah Palin is pro-choice...

but only when it comes to deciding one's sexuality. 

The nation's own all-in-one Russia Border Patrol Fembot says
"But as for homosexuality, I am not going to judge Americans and the decisions that they make in their adult personal relationships. I have one of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years happens to be gay, and I love her dearly. And she is not my "gay friend," she is one of my best friends, who happens to have made a choice that isn't a choice a I would have made. But I am not going to judge people."

cue The Police's "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"