Robots and Retards Unite!: Ken Doll and Robot Finally Put Their Differences Aside

This is Part 2 of the segment we started several weeks ago. "Robots and Retards Unite!" will be an ongoing pictoral column on JMCR, featuring our favorite robot for president and various other republican retards. This week we are featuring Mitt ("I'm really, really, really, available for Vice President") Romney.

If He Only Had a Heart

Cranky, rusty, and metallic.

No it's not John McCain silly, it's the Wizard of Oz's Tin Man. He was down and out, but thankfully he had a friend to oil his joints and lighten his spirits. Just as the Tin Man had Dorothy, J-tron has Joe Lieberman.

We all know about the little SunniShiiteIranAlQaedaIraq mix-up from last week and how Joe Lieberman whispered sweet nothings into McCain's ear, reminding him about the basic tenets of Islam and who's entrenched in the war he plans to spend the next 100 years fighting. Whatever, we all make [giant foreign policy] mistakes, I just hope McCain sent Joey some flowers for saving his ass yet again.

I say again because, as this week's Newsweek points out, Lieberman has been oiling the Tin Man's joints for quite some time: "In a small meeting at the Hotel Bayerischer Hof, McCain was conferring with Frank-Walter Steinmeier, the foreign minister of Germany—one of America's most important allies—when the others heard McCain erupt. He thought the German was being insufficiently tough on the brutal regime in Belarus. Raising his voice at Steinmeier—who's known for speaking in unclear diplomatese—McCain "started shaking and rising out of his chair," said one participant, a former senior diplomatic official who related the anecdote on condition of anonymity. "He said something like: 'I haven't come to Munich to hear this kind of crap'." McCain's old pal Joe Lieberman jumped in. "Lieberman, who reads him very well, put his hand on McCain's arm and said gently, 'John, I think there's been a problem in the translation.' Of course Lieberman doesn't speak German and there hadn't been any problem in the translation … It was just John's explosive temper."

Yikes, maybe I have it all wrong. Perhaps, McCain has more in common with the Scarecrow than the Tin Man.

Bad News Bear (Stearns)

On the Iraq war, Mr. McCain took a long, if not limitless, view: “Could be 1,000. Could be 1,000 years or a million years.” At another point, he said: “A thousand years. A million years. Ten million years.”

As long as it takes to completely destroy an economy, demolish infrastructure, remain astonishingly ignorant about Middle Eastern culture and Islam, and mismanage the trillions of dollars we are spending to do so at the the expense of acheiving universal healthcare, daycare, and equal rights for all.

I guess its a relief that he will be around that long to oversee these efforts, assuming his maintenance schedules remain consistent.

W.W.JMCR.D.?

With all this flap about Obama's nutty reverend, let us remember Rev. John Hagee's endorsement of McCain-ical. This is a man who said New Orleans got what it deserved (Hurricane Katrina) because it is a city of sinners. Ummm....

Now before you recoil completely, read this hilarious NYT interview with Hagee from this past weekend. Learn the answers to questions like: "You’re not just sitting around waiting for the Rapture?" and "What makes it a megachurch instead of just a big church?"

Lastly, before you start reciting John Edwards' "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God" from your 11th grade English class...remember that poor spider dangling over the pit of hell??...here's one final thought brought to you by Editor&Publisher: "McCain has attempted to distance himself from some of Hagee's views, much as Barack Obama is doing in relation to Rev. Jeremiah Wright. But unlike McCain, Obama has not stood on stage with Wright and accepted his accolades this year."

Its the economy/he's a robot, stupid

Now, normally Paul Krugman is a little too supportive of you-know-who (see below), for our taste, but we would be remiss in our duty if we didn't highlight his column in the NYTimes today.

"In truth, I don’t expect much from John McCain, who has both admitted not knowing much about economics and denied having ever said that. Anyway, lately he’s been busy demonstrating that he doesn’t know much about the Middle East, either. "

Its not like the economy and the Middle East are important issues that will effect everybody or anything....

Oh-Em-Gee

Hillary Clinton is a robot! Even a former Clinton aide thinks so, as Maureen Dowd delightfully described yesterday, using words like "Terminator" and "circuit". Unfortunately JMCR will not be pursuing this story, as we have enough on our hands with J-tron, but we encourage other robot enthusiasts to take this baton and run with it.

Girls With Low Self-Esteem

Its that magical time of year again. A time when substance abuse, sexual frustration, and 80 degree temperatures drive, otherwise mild-mannered bloggers, into a frenzied state of perpetual flashing. Spring break, woo!

If there are any robot sightings on the beach, we'll let you know.



P.S.

JMCR's Official VP Endorsement

With all the buzz about who J-tron is going to select as a running mate, JMCR took the liberty of suggesting 10 very eligible, very robotic potential v.p.'s for Mr. McCain-ical:

#1 Naomi Campbell- She can help pick up the female vote and the black vote while simultaneously boosting national security given her inclination towards throwing objects. We would advise the NYTimes staff to buy helmets before they try to Iseman him again. (yes, that's really her)



#2 Street Performers That Paint Themselves Silver and Act Like Robots- Given their affinity for popping-and/or-locking, they're sure to woo the black vote and their ubiquity in all major international cities (particularly in front of museums) will improve our reputation abroad.


#3 Al Gore- Provides McCain-ical street cred with liberal, hippie fucks (i.e this blog's base). Robots with a heart of gold, saving polar bears and taking names.


#4 Ron Popeil- He will save the economy. Forget fireside chats, this guy is on TV at all hours of the day doing his part to sell rotisseries and end the recession. It's the american hero ticket.


#5 Keith Richards- Cindy McCain needs an in (white) house connect and he ol' like j-tron.


#6 Fidel Castro- The man needs a new job, and by comparison, his decrepit physique will help McCain capture the youth vote.


#7 Larry King- Other than looking like an extraterrestrial, the man is singlehandedly upholding the sacred institution of marriage with seven weddings to six different wives...McCain's two look like the paragon of clean conservative living (except for when his wife stole money from her charities to buy drugs...small snag).


#8 Eliot Spitzer- Putting a twist on sex scandals in the White House...and he needs a job asap.


#9 Charles Krauthammer- For all of those out there who question McCain's conservatism, here is a dude who will steer him right (and we mean way right), towards wars with Pakistan, Iran, Ecuador, Democrats, the ACLU, and the Brookings Institute.


#10 Rock'em Sock'em Robots- They may not be real, but hey, neither is John McCain.

Robots On The Move

McCain-ical commanding a legion of Republican robots. Beware, for they will smite you with a flat tax and probably try to have sex with you in an airport bathroom. Everyone should be on the lookout.

This has been a public service announcement from the folks at JMCR.

Tongs or Robot Claws?

Meghan McCain just posted this video of the McCains' recent bbq on her website. Watch J-tron closely and notice how comfortable he is with his ferocious metal extremity (also note the denim vest again...and the fitted sweatshirt with a silkscreened family photo).



Do you want a bionic president?

The WORST Case Scenario

William Kristol muses on J-tron's VP picks in today's NY Times while simultaneously offering the most horrifying, blood-curdling, vomit-inducing suggestion JMCR has ever come across,

"He could persuade the most impressive conservative in American public life, Clarence Thomas, to join the ticket"


Now, if that wouldn't usher in the apocalypse, I don't know what would...

Q: How Do Robots Get Out Of Questions They Don't Want To Answer?

A:They yell.

The JMCR Manifesto

Tristan Tzara defined Dada by what it is not. Although our itty bitty blog may not be a reactionary international artistic revolution that disintegrated systematic aesthetics , it is also certainly NOT this.

In the case of the headline, Washington is actually a collective verb that refers to the female sex.

Devil in the Details

From today's New York Times:

"Sewing up the Republican presidential nomination while the Democratic candidates continue to battle each other has given Senator John McCain a valuable commodity: time he can use to unite a fractured Republican Party, ramp up his lackluster fund-raising and transform his shoestring primary operation into a general election machine."

just sayin'...

Robots and Retards Unite!

They have nothing to lose but their chains....and the economic, political, and social well being of this country.

Overheard at GW

"I just don't want to die with a Republican in office"

-an aging professor in GW's English Department

grand OLD party

John McCain clinched the GOP nomination last night, surprise!! Here's my favorite line from his victory speech:

"I don't believe anyone is predestined to lead America."

Nope, just pre-programmed.


Wonkette also made a funny: "He will have an energy policy which will be based on using the fossil fuels created by his own ancient bones."

Home on the Range

He's just like one of us...except he's a robot in a denim vest with a fur collar.

The Sounds of Science

Although J-tron is no doubt a technologically superior being, apparently that does not translate into the ability to perform basic research on the Internets. He dropped the metal ball big time when, in a town hall meeting in Texas last week, he voiced his support for the crack-pot theory (and at JMCR we can spot those from a mile away) that childhood immunizations are linked with increasing autism cases in the US.

Not only has this theory been rejected by an overwhelming majority of the scientific community (you know, those same dudes who confirmed that global warming is happening and that no, fossils aren't something the Jews buried in the 1950s), but the chemical additive that was suspect has since been removed from all vaccinations.

JMCR suggests a quick Google search next time, we're sure he can get an underpaid staffer to show him how.

Three a Trend Does Make

First James Frey dupes America (and Oprah!) into thinking he was a drug addled alcoholic who survived rehab in A Million Little Pieces. Then last week somebody lied about being saved by wolves after fleeing from the Nazis (Come on! how did no one call that?). Now there's some chick from California who lied about being a half-white, half-Native American foster child who ran drugs for the Bloods (Again, how did someone not catch that?).

Soon America will have to deal with the consequences when John McCain comes clean and tells us that his memoir, Faith of My Fathers, is a farce and that he's actually a robot.

Q: What do robots eat?

A: Robots eat ribs.

The R-word

At JMCR, our goal is to provide our readership with the most up to date information about John and his closeted robosexuality. That doesn't mean we can't throw in other tidbits about how our country is going down the drain faster than you can say C-3PO...

Slate notes in an article about how no one in Washington will say the dirty R-word that,

"For a president, it is political poison to admit that an economic event that rhymes with shmashmession could be within the realm of possibility."

Who knew that a movie about a bunch of Jews who smoke too much pot would be so prescient ?

Why So Lonely?

John McCain has a pretty strong showing among the elderly for obvious reasons (he's a time fighter), but little do grandma and grandpa know that McCain has secret powers...

That's right. A new study shows that robots have the ability to cheer the elderly and make them less lonely. All those TV spots and automated phone calls actually provide an emotional bond for senior citizens! Now when your grandmother votes for McCain you'll know she's doing it out of pure robo-love.

He Ol'

Even Wonkette agrees: "The only person alive to see this nightmare scenario [robots fighting the war in Iraq over the next 100 years] will be John McCain himself, who will live to the age of 1 million before his circuit board craps out."